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Penmanship, Forgiveness and Peace

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Mark M:
My hope in posting this story is that others will be uplifted, edified and encouraged.

A few weeks ago my wife and I visited our tax preparer's office, and when it came time to sign documents, the lady produced a pen, the likes of which I had not seen nor touched in 60 years...a fountain pen!  I had totally forgotten about how I used to love to play with the old Scripto fountain pen, which was sold in a blister pack with two or three ink cartridges.
I could play with, but not really write with my beloved fountain pen because at age 10, I didn't know how to write; I was not allowed, in the 3rd grade to participate in penmanship lessons with my classmates, rather, our teacher forced me to keep my head down on my desk while the other kids were learning their abc's, their penmanship and arithmetic.
What block letter forms I did manage to learn was mostly by sneaking peeks at other kids' work when the teacher wasn't looking.
Forget about cursive....to this day I don't know how to form cursive letters,  and reading cursive is pretty difficult.
There's a reason it's called "cursive," when I would attempt cursive, I would curse...!!!
That teacher, "Mrs. G," also made a daily practice of verbally abusing me instead of teaching me, so, I pretty-much kept my head on my desk as a means of self-defense, further missing out on classroom instruction.
Mrs.G  obviously had problems of her own; her personality disorders and my childhood learning disabilities did not get along well at all in the classroom..!
That was 60 years ago, and between then and now, I all but gave up on ever learning to effectively and comfortably use a pen or pencil, and my penmanship has always been very juvenile-looking.
So, back to present time, encountering that fountain pen at the tax preparer's office somehow rekindled a desire to learn to write with pen on paper.
Let the past remain in the past, I'm old enough now to not be troubled anymore by dyslexia , right?
 I ordered the very same fountain pen the tax preparer had shown me,  inked it up and started playing at pen and paper, only to find my arm, hand, fingers and wrist immediately locking up with tension, pain and fatigue,  just as it always had been, all these years.
What, what WHAT is this arm tension, pain and locking up???!!!
I realized it was time to humbly ask God to help me "figure this out," because enough is enough, it's time to learn to use a pen and paper...!
Figure this out?? 
It's not figure-outtable..!
It's been going on for too long, and it's just part of who I am....!

Proverbs 3:5  states: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
 
 After a moment of prayer, whereby I asked God for His help with my penmanship,  He revealed to me that the profound muscular fatigue in my fingers, hand, wrist and arm were the manifestations of anger, rage, self-hatred and unforgiveness. He then straight-up told me:  "If you will forgive Mrs.G, I will unlock your arm so that you may learn write."

So, I forgave Mrs.G after all these years, releasing her (and myself) from all the anger, hatred and unforgiveness I had kept in my heart against her all these years.
Any arm discomfort I have now mostly is the result of bad habits in posture and the resulting muscular overcompensating; the frustration, self-doubt and all negative emotion are gone..!
By the grace of God, I am well on my way to learning to use my fountain pen effectively, comfortably and best of all, legibly...!
Thanks for reading, Y'all, and, praise, honor and glory to the living God..!!

Mark M
Edited to add:
The Lord is continuing to reveal to me the technique errors I've been holding onto all these years, for example, attempting to hold the paper steady with my writing hand.....
Who knew??

TeresaS:
Faith and forgiveness really do go a long way!

KacyBG:
Thank you, Mark!
Blessings and enjoy the new fountain pen.

Zivio:
Thank you, Mark, for sharing your story with us ó Iím always interested to hear about how people move from Point A to B and so on through their lives. Everyone has a fascinating story! I am cheered to hear that you are able to set certain things from your past aside, forgive those who have hurt you, and work towards something youíve wanted to learn for such a long time!

May you find much joy and many successes as you step up to the challenges ahead!

~Karl

Erica McPhee:
Dear Mark, my heart ached reading about your schooling experience. I recall some cruel teachers in grade school, especially, and I will never understand how someone can treat children as such and moreover, how they came to be teachers!

As soon as you said you experienced tension and pain and locking up, I knew it was the unreleased emotion from so many years ago. What a gift to have your prayer answered so you can let go of the past and accomplish what your heart desires.

There is an excellent book about this phenomenon by Dr. John Sarno called Healing Back Pain: the Mind Body Connection. Itís more than just back pain included.

I would encourage you to take some time to just PLAY with the fountain pen. Draw some silly pictures, do circular drills. Let your hand and mind become comfortable with the tool. I see my pens as an extension of myself when I write. Let it become your friend. And then you are in the journey together.  :)

Thank you for sharing with us.  :-*

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